Sunday, April 15, 2007

The Blues

Maybe I'm slowly spiralling downwards into a quagmire of depression, maybe just slowly being sucked in such that I'm still in denial that I'm depressed? But I still don't buy the idea that I'm depressed. I still think it's the Friday night/Saturday night/Sunday night routine, when I'm sitting here suffering from cabin fever in the 20 square metre shoebox, with nobody online to chat with, and getting a mental block on my neverending papers that I am writing, that I start feeling sorry for myself, working myself up into a bout of loneliness blues. Like how I ended up tonight. Except that the instances keep becoming more frequent that it's beginning to worry me. Like now, when I am over it and collected enough to be objectively worried about my mental well-being rather than dwell and wallow in it.

All night long, I sent out SOS's by email since there wasn't anyone online. No responses. So I started calling using my Yahoo Voice Out, a sure sign of deeper desperation. The stupid facility went into denial, pretending that I wasn't subscribed. Excuse me, I still have $3.57 left in credit, dammit. So third option, I send an SOS by sms. 3 minutes tick by, in the world of instant gratification where we are surrounded by electronic devices which make communication so accessible, 3 minutes of non-response is NOT acceptable when it's an sms. Especially one which concerns life and ... a sucky, lonely life.

I start feeling really blue by then. Then all of a sudden my phone rings, my SOS is answered - delayed because the caller was driving home and now calling to check what has caused a complete turnaround from chirpy me yesterday to down-in-the-doldrums me tonight. I think I wanna go home, I choke out my feelings. I might be less lonely there. But the caller feeds me the exact same line I said to myself 7 minutes earlier, one could still feel equally lonely when surrounded by people. A beep shows up on my laptop screen - a friend from home has received my email SOS and is online to chat. I let the caller go to dinner after another 5 minutes, and move on to the online friend. The more I let out, the better I started to feel. By the end of the chat some 40 minutes or so later, I feel more connected to the world and recovered to face another day.



Post a Comment

<< Home